Preambles. Who needs them? Team news, now that's another matter.
West Ham United: Green, Neill, Collins, Upson, Ilunga, Behrami, Parker, Noble, Collison, Cole, Di Michele.
Subs: Lastuvka, Nsereko, Boa Morte, Kovac, Spector, Tristan, Sears.
Subs: Lastuvka, Nsereko, Boa Morte, Kovac, Spector, Tristan, Sears.
Some other local favourites: Van der Sar, Rafael Da Silva, Ferdinand, Vidic, O'Shea, Ronaldo, Scholes, Carrick, Giggs, Tevez, Berbatov.
Subs: Foster, Park, Nani, Welbeck, Fabio Da Silva, Fletcher, Eckersley.
Subs: Foster, Park, Nani, Welbeck, Fabio Da Silva, Fletcher, Eckersley.
This guy has doled out exactly 100 yellow cards this season: Phil Dowd (Travelling Circus)
For Those Of You Who Expect Better dept: Paul Doyle loves to keep you happy.
The teams are out on the pitch. We'll be underway in a minute, what with it being 3.58pm and kick off scheduled for 4pm.
And we're off! Di Michele gets the ball rolling. Almost immediately the ball breaks to Cole down the left, and he takes the opportunity to run at Rafael. The ball breaks to Di Michele, but Ferdinand is quickly across to sweep up and the chance to cross into the box is gone.
3 min: Nobody seems able or willing to put their foot on the ball. It's all far too quick at the moment.
6 min: United (the Manchester one, that is, which is the way it will have to be for the sake of brevity) stroke it around awhile. Berbatov nearly breaks through the West Ham back line but is stopped in his tracks by a majestic tackle from Parker. "Will United be victims of a 'Zola eclipse'?" parrots Mac Millings, with reference to the excruciating play on words in this report's standfirst. "I'm looking for work right now, and if it's dreadful puns you need, then I'm your man. Will 'Gorgon' Zola turn United to stone? Will Franco oppress Reds (again)? Hammers Boss - Fran-tastic, or Ar-Zola? Sub-editing position, please!" Sorry, Mac, but you're barking up the wrong tree if you want a subbing job at the Guardian. For a start, it appears you can spell.
8 min: United win a corner on the left. Giggs swings it in. Vidic gets his head on the ball, but can't keep it down. A few seconds later, Giggs nearly scoots clear down the right, but Upson's sliding challenge puts a stop to his gallop.
11 min: West Ham enjoy their first spell in the United area. Behrami swings one in from the right, forcing Vidic to head out for a corner. From it, on the right, the ball finds Neill at the far post. He checks inside and hammers a low shot which Van der Sar does well to spot coming through a crowded box. Actually, I can't keep calling Manchester United United, it's not fair on West Ham. If only there was a similarly short alternative. That pleases everyone and can be used in a family publication.
13 min: Cole is sent free down the inside-right channel. He's clear on goal - kind of, as Ferdinand is clinging to his shirt. He could do one of two things: go down under the challenge, in which case Ferdinand would possibly be facing a red card; or put his foot through the ball, in which case a goal is very likely. He does neither, opting to attempt a chip over Van der Sar from the edge of the box. It's a lame effort, and one that's plucked from the sky by the big keeper with contempt.
15 min: West Ham took a while to settle, but they're up for this. Noble gives Rafael a hard time down the left; the visiting defender is mighty relieved to hear the referee's whistle as they tussle for the ball. "Both these teams have big reputations for bringing through youth players into the first team," begins one-man double act Gary Naylor. "In West Ham's case, it's true."
18 min: Di Michele should have set Cole free again, but hesitates before attempting a Gerrardesque crossfield pass towards Collison. His execution is perfect, in so much as it sails into the stand, miles from the intended target.
21 min: Manchester United put the ball in the net. Scholes takes a pop from 25 yards, it's deflected up and over the West Ham defence by the advancing Parker, and the ball drops to Berbatov on the penalty spot. He sticks out a leg and guides the dropping ball past Green - however, he was miles offside when Scholes's shot was struck. Nice try though. Meanwhile here's some scatalogical humour (with a Guardianesque soupcon of arts-and-culture satire) courtesy of lavatory attendant Geoff Ashworth: "From the perspective of the picture it looks like Zola is sat on the can, with the West Ham logo at the receiving end. Could this be a subtle message as to what he really is thinking, a bit like Leonardo with The Last Supper?"
25 min: West Ham are playing some really nice football in patches: Cole, Di Michale, Noble and Behrami share it around before Cole treads on the ball, allowing Scholes to whisk the ball clear. Then Collison twists and turns in the area: for a split second it looks like he's going to craft himself an opening, but the door's quickly shut by Vidic and Ferdinand. Collison lays off to Cole, but the striker has his back to goal and can't do his usual three-point turn in time before the ball's bundled clear.
28 min: In between those two West Ham efforts, Tevez nearly latched onto a long ball into the West Ham box. Green kicks clear - and hits the visiting striker in the back! Luckily for the keeper, the ball deflects clear upfield, rather than pinging back into an empty net. United then win a couple of corners: Ronaldo heads powerfully wide right from the first, Green is impeded at the second. This is a nice open game. No gilt-edged chances or dramatic incidents stand out, but it doesn't always have to be like that, does it.
31 min: From a free kick on the right touchline, Giggs and Scholes try to recreate that amazing goal the latter scored from a David Beckham corner at Bradford in 2000. This time, Scholes's first-time shot is bloody awful, heading miles left, but Ronaldo diverts it goalwards with a flick of his boot and Green makes a wonderful save, fingertipping the whizzing ball over the bar. Great football all round. Apart from Scholes's shot, of course.
35 min: Some really clever interchanges between Noble, Parker and Di Michele in the centre of the pitch creates a lot of space for West Ham. Their work so nearly bears fruit, but the final ball into the box - with Di Michele in acres - has too much pace on it and Van der Sar collects. "I've tried to make a clever pun with each of United's outfield players, hoping one would produce a winning wordplay. Alas no pun in ten did," quips Justin Kavanagh, who I hope isn't as old as his joke book.
40 min: Ronaldo, who has been pretty quiet on the whole, shimmies and sashays down the left-wing touchline. He whips in a dangerous low ball which whizzes across the face of the six-yard box, but Tevez and Berbatov are both fannying around, allowing Collins and Upson to usher the ball out of play.
42 min: Ilunga barges down the left and eventually breaks towards the Manchester United area. He's got time to cross, but with three claret-and-blue shirts in the centre, clatters the ball into Vidic, allowing Ferdinand to swish away the danger.
HALF TIME: United 0-0 United. Noble races in from the right and homes in on the Manchester United area. Drawing a couple of white shirts out, he dinks a ball into the box towards Cole, who turns and thuds a decent shot goalwards - but it's almost immediately blocked by Vidic. And that, pretty much, is that.
A broken record, in more ways than one: I suppose I should make some mention of Edwin van der Sar's new British record of not letting in a league goal. He managed this as the clock ticked into the 34th minute, which was his 1,156th without once picking the ball from the net. That's Aberdeen's Bobby Clark (1970/71) obliterated from the record books, poor bugger. Now, can everyone stop going on and on and on and on and on ab... oh for Christ's sake, now they're talking about the world record. JESUS WEPT.
And we're off again! West Ham stroke it around a bit. Cole holds the ball up on the edge of the Man Utd area. He lays it back to Behrami, who welts a shot goalwards. It deflects off Di Michele's back - though referee Dowd gives a corner. Luckily for him, nothing comes of it.
48 min: West Ham have started this half really strongly. Cole twists and turns on the edge of the box. The ball is rolled back to Neill, who cutting in from the right curls an effort towards the bottom-left corner. It's a decent effort - but Van der Sar has it covered and gets down low to claim. It's the first real save he's had to make all afternoon, for all the noise about his new record.
52 min: It's suddenly gone a bit scrappy, this.
54 min: Manchester United push West Ham back for a couple of minutes. O'Shea has a dig, Ronaldo tries to find Giggs in the area, Scholes has a crack. Each time either Upson or Collins are on hand to smack clear. But that's better from United, who haven't been particularly impressive so far.
56 min: Giggs clips a free kick from the right touchline into the area. Tevez heads weakly wide right. Anyway, Van der Sar's record. "It's really quite misleading and I'm very surprised nobody has mentioned this yet," writes Laura Leigh, leafing through piles of paper. "Of the first 11 games in which Van der Sar kept a clean sheet, six teams failed to register a single shot on target. If anything, United's defence should be getting the plaudits."
58 min: Noble cuts inside from the right and rolls the ball across the face of the box towards Collison, who immediately lays off to Parker. The resulting screamer screams about 15 feet wide left of goal.
59 min: Neill is booked for shoving Ronaldo off the ball, a proper slapstick two palms on the tits.
60 min: Cole looks to bustle clear down the inside-right channel. Vidic takes a massive chunk out of his shirt to haul him down. It's a free kick, but nothing else. How Vidic didn't get booked for that, I will never know.
61 min: Hold on, now he's booked him for it! How on earth did that take so long?
62 min: GOAL! West Ham United 0-1 Manchester United. Scholes hits a first-time peach of a pass from the centre circle towards the left-hand touchline, where Giggs awaits. Giggs nips into the area, drops a shoulder, then threads a delicious shot into the bottom-right corner of the goal. Such a clever finish. However, was he offside when Scholes hit his pass? I didn't see that replay, but Rob Smyth suggests that might - might - have been the case.
66 min: That goal has taken all the wind from West Ham's sails. The visitors are seeing an awful lot of the ball now, as they sweep it hither and yon. "Clean sheet records mean about diddly," opines Neill Brown. "The best Champions League effort involves Mathieu Flamini at left-back and all-round gamesman Emmanuel Eboue. You get a run of games (and luck) that suits you and you can keep the ball out of your own net. Anyway, the paucity of attacking innovation has made this the dullest Premier League on record."
67 min: Cole creates a bit of space for himself just outside the Man Utd area but slices his shot well wide right.
69 min: Collison tears down the left with a blistering run. Cole looks for the pass but Scholes sweeps clear. Then Noble gets to the touchline down the right and fires a low ball into the six-yard box. Cole again is sniffing around, but with Man Utd sensing real danger, Ferdinand hacks away. Much better from West Ham.
72 min: A really determined run down the left by Ilunga. He crosses into the six-yard box, but Rafael gets the ball away with Cole - who has been industrious, you've got to give him that - again lurking. "I would go a step further than Laura Leigh," bounds Craig Ward, "and suggest it's Manchester United's midfielders that should be getting the plaudits. They seem to be so well organised that teams rarely get the opportunity to trouble the defence much."
75 min: They've just shown a replay of the Giggs goal. There is a case to be made for offside - but only if you think the width of the boot leather covering his heel as he trots back is vital. Neill is in the centre lumbering around; it would have been harsh to strike the goal off.
77 min: Noble is replaced by Savio.
79 min: Manchester United are playing keep-ball now.
82 min: The atmosphere at Upton Park is screaming THIS IS OVER.
85 min: Parker threads a beautiful ball down the left wing for Ilunga. The full back has space to play with - but inexplicably, he falls over. Rafael saunters off with the ball. "Shouldn't a good chunk of the credit for Van der Sar's record go the opposition teams?" wonders Tom Hopkins. "They're happy enough at 0-0 until Utd sting them with a goal then it's too late to do anything about it?"
87 min: A great run by Tevez, who bustles into the area down the left. He keeps heading left, though from a tight angle still manages to send a decent effort just over the bar. It's the last thing he does: Park replaces him, and he jogs off to a decent reception from both sets of fans. West Ham also make a change, Tristan replacing Behrami.
89 min: A couple of incidents involving Neill: first he sticks out a leg on the edge of his own area, inviting Ronaldo to trip over it. Which he does. The challenge is right on the line: that could easily have been a penalty. It's unlikely to matter. Then Berbatov tricks Neill on the touchline with some delicious skill, but the subsequent cross is appalling.
90 min: There will be three minutes of injury time.
FULL TIME: West Ham United 0-1 Manchester United. West Ham fail to put the visitors under any pressure whatsoever in injury time. And that's that. Manchester United go back to the top of the table, two points ahead of Liverpool with a game in hand. Again they haven't played particularly well, again they've come away with all three points after a 1-0 win. It's a hoary old cliche, but it's the stuff of champions.
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